If Your Child Refuses Zoom School During War, You Are Not a Bad Parent

When School Moves to Zoom in the Middle of War

If you are reading this, you are probably one of the many parents who feels very stressed about the start of school on Zoom during wartime. You may have had a fight with your child who absolutely refuses to log on, or you just had a tense exchange with the teacher who expects your child to be present. All the while, you are trying to juggle your own work or business, often needing the same device your child is supposed to be using for Zoom.

This is the kind of situation nobody really prepares you for - even if you thought you were prepared.

Even when you know that war may happen sooner or later, you are never fully ready for what it actually feels like. The early warnings blaring from your phone, followed by a siren. Nights that are interrupted, or nights that pass without real, restful sleep. Children being home all the time, constantly hungry it seems, while you try to juggle everything at once.

It is exhausting. And it frays everyone’s nerves.

A Gentle Reminder Parents Need to Hear

So let me say this very clearly:

Your child’s attendance in a Zoom class is not the measure of your parenting. It is not a measure of their intelligence. And it certainly does not determine their future. Right now, their nervous system and your family’s mental health matter far more than their screen time.

Why Zoom Is Especially Hard Right Now

Children are not small adults. They cannot compartmentalize the way we often expect them to. When the world feels unsafe, their brains are quite literally in survival mode.

Learning requires a calm and regulated nervous system. Zoom requires even more than that: stillness, sustained attention, tolerance for a flat screen, the ability to tune out auditory overload when microphones are not muted, and social performance without physical presence.

On top of that, there are additional challenges.

1. Many families have only one device

Parents who are working from home need their computers. This is not a luxury choice, but more often than not an economic reality. Being pressured to hand over a shared device to a child for school while you are on a work call is not just stressful. Sometimes it is simply impossible.

2. The chaos of war cannot be “muted”

Children who are stressed - who heard sirens last night, earlier that morning, or even during class - carry all of that into the Zoom session. Expecting them to sit still and answer questions is asking them to perform in a way that many adults struggle to manage.

3. Zoom learning is genuinely hard for many children

Research shows that even in normal times, remote learning is associated with lower engagement, increased anxiety, and reduced ability to self-regulate. For children who struggle with sensory sensitivities, ADHD, social anxiety, or learning differences, video learning is often far more overwhelming than in-person school. Add an emergency situation, and these challenges multiply.

Even when working with a child one-on-one, it often takes a lot of energy to keep them engaged. Expecting a teacher to keep an entire class engaged under these conditions is simply not realistic.

4. The well-meant pressure from teachers

Teachers are also under enormous stress. They are doing their best while trying to manage their own home situations. But when parents receive repeated follow-up messages about attendance, it can feel punitive rather than supportive, adding guilt to an already overwhelming situation.

It Is OK If Your Child Does Not Attend Every, or Any Zoom

To say it as plainly as possible, because many parents need to hear it:

Missing Zoom school during a war is not child neglect.

It is not educational or parental failure.

Sometimes it is the most loving decision you can make for your family.

Children who are forced to sit through experiences that feel overwhelming or pointless learn to associate learning with stress and powerlessness. What they need most right now is to feel safe, seen, and connected to you.

Learning Does Not Only Happen on a Screen

Learning can happen in a thousand different ways that are not a Zoom window. Reading together. Doing math while playing a board game. Building something. Cooking and working with fractions. Watching a documentary. Talking about what is happening and asking questions. All of these are forms of learning. They count. And right now, they may matter even more.

A Different Way to Find Solutions: Dr. Ross Greene’s Collaborative Approach

What is most needed under these circumstances is to stop fighting and start getting curious.

Dr. Ross Greene encourages exactly that. His core idea is profound in its simplicity:

“Children do well when they can.” When children are struggling, it is not defiance. It is a signal that something is genuinely hard for them.

Here are the basic steps of his approach.

Step 1. Sit beside them and just listen

Ask what is hard:“What is the worst part of Zoom for you?”

Resist the urge to immediately fix it or offer solutions. Just listen. Reflect back what they say. Children who feel understood are often much more willing to try.

Step 2. Share your concerns clamly

Dr. Greene’s model is not about children always getting what they want. It is about both concerns, yours and your child’s.

Once they feel heard, you can gently share your own concerns. Not as pressure, but as honesty:

"I hear you. Zoom is really hard right now. I also worry about you, and the messages from school stress me out. Can we figure this out together?"

Step 3. Look for a mutual solution together

Together, look for a solution neither of you might have found alone. For example:

• Joining only part of a session

• Joining with the camera off

• Watching a recording later

• Attending only a few sessions per week

• Doing the content offline and independently

  
  

The solution does not have to be perfect. It simply needs to be something you both can say yes to.

Protecting Your Family's Mental Health Comes First

A family whose mental health is intact will recover academically.

A child who feels safe and whose relationship with their parents remains strong will learn. A home that becomes a battleground over Zoom attendance, on the other hand, places far greater strain on everyone involved. Both you and your child will unnecessarily suffer.

Take your child outside. Find alternative ways for them to learn. Fool around and dance. Spend quality time together whenever the situation allows it. Take care of yourself and your own mental health. Talk honestly about what is happening. All of this teaches children something deeply important about life.

What You Can Say to the School

If the school sends messages asking about attendance, keep your response simple and respectful. You do not need to over-explain yourself. You are doing what you believe is best for your family.

You could write something like this:

"We are doing our best in a difficult situation. {Name} struggles to learn remotely under these circumstances, so I am prioritizing their emotional wellbeing and mental health. They will learn the material in different ways that work for our family right now. Thank you for understanding. Please take care of yourself and stay safe. Thank you for everything you are trying to do."

One last thing

You are raising your children through a war, after already living through two long years of war.

That sentence alone should make you pause and acknowledge everything you are carrying.

The fact that you are trying to do what is best for your child while managing your own stress makes you a wonderful parent.

And hopefully, after reading this, you can feel a little more at peace if your child misses Zoom.

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Hanna Baer is an Integrative Educational Therapist with over 20 years of experience, founder of Neuro-fun Whole Child Therapy and mother of two amazing daughters. The one-of-a-kind program she developed improves the brain-body connection, behavior and learning skills. She helps children and young people feel happier and successful, helps parents and teachers to work together and improves parent-child relationships. Follow Hanna on facebook.com/neurofunwholechild and instagram.com/neurofunwholechild